Chapter 31 I lean back against Ally's headboard with my laptop resting on my thighs, trying to get comfortable. It's eleven in the morning, so she's already at work for the day, but I like being in her space. Especially since I fly to Canada tonight for a stint of away games, and I won't get to see her again before I leave. This morning I woke up in her bed, holding her, like I have every morning since she told me what happened to her. I plan to sit here as long as I can and enjoy the smell of her perfume surrounding me. Spying her purple hair tie on the nightstand, I smile and slide it onto my wrist. The slight pressure of the band makes me feel a little closer to her, and I decide to take it with me when I leave. Without her here to distract me, I glance around her room like I'm seeing it for the first time. Everything in here screams Ally, from the white bedspread laced with a soft pastel-colored pattern, to the posters of dance shows on the walls. Pink twinkle lights are strung up around the room, with perfume bottles and jewelry littering the vanity. She has a bulletin board hung near the bed, covered with photos of her with her family. Her mother-who looks like a slightly older version of Ally-her famous stepdad, her little brother, and what looks like a bunch of extended family members. She's included about a dozen photos of Harry Styles, as well (the cat, not the singer). I find myself realizing I would really like to make it onto her bulletin board. We should've snapped a selfie on our skating date. The memory of our time together a few days ago brings a contented sigh from my lungs. I wanted to kiss her again so badly, but something even stronger than that intense urge held me back...because I want her to know this isn't just physical for me. This isn't casual. I want to know her, and for her to know me. So I've held off from kissing her or touching her-short of crawling into her bed every night and wrapping my arms around her when I'm sure Fisher or Penn aren't around to see me ducking into her room. Even though we've ended up talking about anything and everything for hours each night while I'm in her bed, I sleep better knowing she's safe next to me, and I'm really going to miss her while I'm away for three nights. I open my laptop to check the clock and see it's time for my therapy appointment. Pulling up the link to log in for my Zoom call with my therapist, I feel suddenly nervous. As much as I enjoy talking to Dr. Lamb, working through my emotions is hard work. It's uncomfortable. It makes me think about things I'd rather keep buried. But I know this is what I need. Dr. Lamb's familiar face appears on the screen, and he's smiling. It's nice to see him, as his face and voice have always been comforting to me. His skin has more wrinkles than it did when I started talking to him ten years ago, and his blond hair and beard are turning white. He's the same age my dad would be now. I wonder if Dad's hair would be threaded with silver... "Noah," Dr. Lamb says. "I was so glad to see you wanted to meet. It's been a while." I nod. "Yeah, it's good to see you." "So, how's life? I watched your game last night." He smiles warmly, and I smile back. "Thanks for watching. Life is good, I can't really complain." Harry Styles jumps up on my bed and curls up next to me. Dr. Lamb can see him on the screen, and he chuckles. "You have a new friend?" I look down at the nuisance fondly. "I have a few new friends," I admit. "That's kind of why I wanted to talk." Dr. Lamb steeples his hands on top of his desk and studies me through the screen. "Okay, tell me about your friends." I swallow. "Well, I'm living with two of my teammates, Archibald Fisher and Penn Matthews...and also one of Fisher's friends from college. Her name is Ally." When I say Ally's name my voice cracks with an unexpected emotion. He hums thoughtfully. "Can you tell me about the emotions coming up right now?" "Ally kind of...burrowed under my skin." I huff a laugh. "I tried to stop it, but I couldn't." Dr. Lamb tilts his head, a soft smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Why'd you want to stop it?" "I didn't want to be distracted." I drag a hand through my hair. "Or at least, that's what I told myself." He stays silent, waiting for me to continue. "But I've recently realized that ever since my parents died, I've kept everyone away. Stopped anyone from getting too close." I blow out a breath. "It's easier that way, so I don't have to worry about anything happening to them." "Are you worried something will happen to Ally?" he asks, leaning toward the screen. "Yes," I whisper, my voice hoarse. "It's driving me mad. The urge to check on her and protect her. It feels like how I was with Andie after losing Mom and Dad, but this time, it might be even worse." He nods. "It's understandable you'd worry, Noah. You went through something very difficult and traumatic as a young boy. I think it speaks volumes about how much you care about Ally that you'd feel so protective over her safety." "She's...," I pause, trying to contain my emotions. "She's been through hell this year. And although everything happened before I even knew her, I feel sick that I wasn't there to protect her." "Sometimes it's even more difficult watching someone you love go through hardship than to go through it yourself." I nod, but my mind is scattered at the word love. Deep down, I know he's probably labeled my feelings correctly. I've never felt this way about anyone. Ever. But it also seems too soon to feel this much. Either way, I can't deny I'm falling for her. Falling hard. "Yeah," I finally say. "It is." "Are you close with your other roommates? Penn and Fisher?" "Yes and no," I reply as I mull over his question. "I roomed with Penn all through college and I consider him my best friend-we're teammates and we've always had each other's backs-but I've never even told him how my parents died." Admitting this out loud makes me understand just how little I've let him in. Let anyone in. "Do you mostly talk about work with them?" I nod, blowing out a long breath. I've kept things all hockey, all the time. I enjoy the hell out of hockey, of course. But I'm finally understanding I've used it as a coping mechanism for too long. Dr. Lamb eyes me knowingly, like he sees my wheels spinning and knows I'm putting everything together. I've done enough therapy to label exactly what this is. "I've used hockey as a means of escape, haven't I?" Harry Styles suddenly tilts his head up and meows like he's answering the question for me. Dr. Lamb smiles. "Have you told Ally what happened to your parents? Have you let her in?" "I have. She's so easy for me to talk to...she sees me in a way no one else does. Like she understands me somehow." I glance down at my wrist and use my opposite hand to spin the purple hair tie around. "Everything is great when we're together. But I hate the anxiety that creeps in when she's not home. And today it's especially bad, because I have to leave tonight-the first time I've had to travel for hockey since we got together-I hate feeling out of control with worry. It's like I'm eleven all over again." "Have you tried the breathing exercises when you're feeling anxious?" he asks. "Yeah, they're not helping." "Next time the anxiety is overwhelming, try closing your eyes and reminding yourself of what's concrete. What's certain. Things like the chances of dying in a car accident are one point zero five percent, or maybe reminding yourself Ally is a very cautious driver." "Okay, I'll try that," I say. Ally seems like she'd be a cautious driver...maybe I'll have her drive next time we go on a date so I can see for myself. "You should also talk to Ally about this." He raises his eyebrows slightly. "Keep letting her in, keep communicating. Try not to fall into those old forms of self-preservation. You're a good man, Noah. Too good to go through life not allowing anyone to get close to you. And Ally seems awfully special." I smile. "She is." Dr. Lamb and I talk for a moment longer, catching up, and agree to start meeting once a month to check in. When I close my laptop, I smooth my hand over Harry's fur. I'm nervous to leave Ally alone here, and intrusive thoughts of someone breaking in, or her needing help and me being far away, have my stomach tightening. Before I can think too much about it, a loud knock comes from the other side of the door, causing Harry and I to startle. "Ally! You home?" Penn's muffled voice asks. I glance at Harry with my eyes wide, not knowing how to respond. He blinks slowly, unhelpful as usual. He knocks again. "Ally? Please, please tell me you're home. I need to borrow your tweezers." A long pause. "See, I'm hoping to score while we're traveling...if you know what I mean." He chuckles and I roll my eyes. "But no one will want me with this unibrow." Clearing my throat, I slide off the bed and pad to the door, swinging it open to keep Penn from humiliating himself even further. "She's at work," I say to a stunned Penn. "Why the hell are you in her room?" He's more confused than angry. I shrug, crossing my arms. "Smells nice in here." Penn arches an eyebrow, his eyes landing on the hair tie still snugly secured around my wrist. He snorts a laugh. "Right. Okay, Downsby." As I shrug past him, I notice he doesn't follow me or pester me for answers...he just lets me go. Penn allowing me to have my space has never bothered me before, but after my talk with Dr. Lamb, I can't help but wonder if he lets me have space because I never talk to him. I've never let him past the surface. And Penn has been by my side constantly over the last four years of my life. He's always had my back, always talked to me about everything going on in his life. At this moment, it's crystal clear to me that Penn's friendship means a lot to me. More than I've ever let on or even allowed myself to believe. These people I live with in 3B, Ally, Penn, and Fisher...they're my tribe. My support system. My little family. And I've been a shitty part of it. I want to change that, to be better. Opening myself up isn't going to be easy, but just like the session I just had with Dr. Lamb, I know deep down it's what I need. Not just for me, but for them, too. I owe it to them. Discover our latest featured short drama reel. Watch now and enjoy the story!