Chapter 34 I woke up with an elephant on my chest. As I tried to breathe through it, it only got worse. No matter what I did, the weight sitting on my sternum got heavier and heavier. How had I even fallen asleep? After Tore left, I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling, my thoughts racing. At some point, in the wee hours of the morning, I'd lost consciousness, but my mind hadn't stopped. Sleep had brought me no clarity or relief. Benjamin coaxed me out of bed, and I barely managed to send him out to my tiny yard before I had to sit down. Guilt swamped me for not taking him for his morning walk, but there was no way I could make it up the block, let alone get back to my house. Blood whooshed in my ears as I sat on my couch, my head between my knees, trying to convince myself to take long, deep breaths. But the longer I sat there, the harder it became. Somewhere in the distance, I heard Benjamin woofing. He wasn't far away, but I was. Buried under too many thoughts and grief I'd hidden from for years. Oh, had it found me. I wanted to get up and go to my boy. I needed to. But my body wasn't cooperating. I desperately gripped the edge of the couch cushion, my hands trembling. I couldn't breathe-couldn't think-couldn't move. The door creaked open, but I didn't lift my head. Couldn't. I hoped it was Benjamin coming inside. Then I heard two sets of footsteps. Benjamin's and heavier ones, coming directly toward me. "Bea, you okay? Benji was outside on his own..." My heart squeezed violently. Ben was here. Why was he here? I wanted to look at him, to tell him I was okay, to hide the mess I was, but I couldn't lift my head...couldn't uncoil the iron grip of panic wrapped around my chest. "Hey, I'm here," he said, closer this time. He dropped to the couch beside me. "Can I touch you?" I shook my head hard. I didn't want to be touched or even seen. Right now, I wanted to fade into the ether. Maddie. Davis. Jane. Oh no. No, no, no. Ben sat beside me patiently, his massive presence and voice a steady anchor in the storm ripping its way through me. "Okay. That's okay. I want you to breathe with me, Buzz. Just try. In through your nose, nice and slow. Like this." I could hear him doing it-deep, controlled inhales, each one louder than the blood rushing in my ears. I tried to match him. Tried. My lungs felt like they'd forgotten how to work. "Ben," I rasped. "I can't. Not again. I can't." Maddie. Davis. Jane. I couldn't. "What's going on, Bea? I don't know what to do. How can I help you?" I shook my head again. "I'm just...he has kids. I can't-" "Okay." He rubbed my back as I rocked, trying to find my equilibrium. "I'm going to get Shira. You need your girl." "No, no, she has the baby." My voice cracked on the final word. Ben pulled out his phone anyway. "She'd drop Jonah in Roman's arms and sprint barefoot across hot coals for you at a moment's notice, and you know it." He tapped out a message and dropped the phone onto his lap. I let out a hollow laugh that came out more like a cough. He gave me a crooked smile. "Look at that. We're making progress. You made a noise that didn't sound like gasping." I dropped my face back into my hands. Maddie. Davis. Jane. It had been ten years. Ten years since I'd been removed from their lives by force. One day, I was making up silly dances with Maddie and teaching Davis how to tie his shoes, and the next, I was on my own. I'd blinked, and they were gone. The worst thing was, I'd resented them. Hated I'd been turned into their parent. Had desperately wanted a normal adolescence free from diaper changes and middle-of-the-night wake-up calls. But I'd loved them with my entire being. They had been mine. The door opened quietly, and Benjamin greeted Shira with a soft whine and tail thump. Her hair was pulled back in a messy knot, no makeup, bare feet. She'd thrown a sweater over her pajamas but hadn't taken the time to put on shoes. Ben had been right. She'd come straight to me, taking my other side. She may have been slight, but her presence was a soothing comfort, blanketing me in warmth. Having her beside me was enough for my breathing to even out and no longer feel like I was on the verge of drowning. Now, I was just unbearably sad. "Oh, honey." Her voice was so achingly kind. My chin wobbled. "You didn't have to come." "Yes, I did." She clutched my hand in hers. "Tell me what's wrong." "I think..." I whispered, barely audible, "I'm broken." Ben leaned closer, like he hadn't quite heard me. "What was that?" "I broke a little last night," I said, louder this time. "Tore has kids." Shira sucked in a breath. "That's...a surprise." Ben looked back and forth between us. "Wait. Who's Tore?" "My boyfriend." I squeezed my eyes shut. "I don't know if he's still my boyfriend." "Wait." He leaned around me to look at Shira. "Did you know she has a boyfriend?" "Of course," she replied. He huffed. "Why am I the last to know? I'm hurt, Buzz." "His name is Tore." I pressed the heel of my hand into my eye. "Salvatore Gallo. He lives across the street and is the guardian of his sister's three kids. You met Scarlet. She's his oldest. But I only found that out last night." I sucked in a deep breath. There was so much to explain, but I didn't want to talk about Tore. He might have kicked up the dirt covering the grave of my grief, but he hadn't been the one to dig it in the first place. The words tumbled out. About my mom. About the day she made me leave for good. About how small and ashamed I'd felt. How angry I still was. How I hated myself for feeling even an inkling of relief over no longer being responsible for my siblings. How Tore's kids had brought everything back like it had happened yesterday. Ben leaned his solid weight against me. "Bea..." "I don't let myself think about them." My hands clenched into fists on my lap. "They were my babies. Mine. And I lost them. My mom took them away from me. And made me feel like it was my fault, like I was the bad one for wanting my own life. It killed me not to be with them. I ached and ached and ached. Spent so many sleepless nights worrying who was taking care of them. It got so bad, I could barely function. I was only eighteen. Still a kid myself. I didn't know what else to do, so I buried it. I buried them." Ben was quiet. Thoughtful. He didn't rush in to try to fix everything, and I loved him for that. Some things couldn't be fixed. He just said, "Damn. I had no idea. That's a lot, Buzz. You've been carrying that around all this time and still manage to function like a semi-responsible adult? You might actually be a superhero." A breath escaped me that wasn't quite a laugh but wasn't a sob either. "Didn't you hear the part about me burying my feelings? I'm not sure that's functioning." Shira wrapped her arms around me. "That was too much for one girl to hold alone. You were never supposed to carry it all by yourself." I blinked at her, my lashes wet, my throat raw. "He has kids, Shira. I can't-I don't...I don't do kids. Not anymore." Ben's brow dipped low over his worried eyes. "But you love kids. You're Aunt Bea." "I don't do kids," I whispered. "I can't, Benny." Shira laid her head on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry you lost your babies, Bea. I can only imagine how deeply that scarred you. If you'd rather I not bring Jonah around-" I stiffened. "Don't even say it." "Okay." She laughed softly. "I only want to make sure you're okay being around him." "Of course I am. I love him." Ben patted my knee. "But you don't do kids, right?" "Shut up," I grumbled, swatting his hand away. "You're not smart, and you're definitely not right." Another light knock on my door alerted Benjamin. He trotted over as Roman stepped inside with baby Jonah in his arms. Even in these circumstances, it was slightly disconcerting to see Roman and Ben in the same room. Their faces were identical. The only difference was Ben wore athletic gear most of the time, and his curls were wild. While Roman kept his tame and was most often in suits, like he was now. "Hey." He gave Benjamin a nice, firm pat. "I wanted to see if you-" I held my arms out. "Yes. I want baby snuggles." Grinning, he crossed the room and placed his son in my arms. Jonah was awake and had little milky bubbles at the corner of his rosebud mouth. "Hi, buddy," I cooed. "How did you know this was exactly what I needed?" Ben leaned into me. "I think I might've been right," he whispered teasingly. Shira gave him a look, but the corner of her mouth twitched, like she was fighting back a smile. Roman sat on the arm of the couch next to her, resting a hand on her shoulder, hers going to his leg. When they were near each other, they were touching. It was sweet, but right now, it made my heart hurt. I ran a thumb across Jonah's impossibly soft cheek to distract myself. "He's squishy and warm and smells delicious. Who could resist him? It's human nature." "Sure, sure," Ben said with a sage nod. "That's all this is. And you didn't hire the surly teen across the street, FaceTime Nellie on a regular basis, and hang out with-" "Shush," I hissed. "Just because I tolerate certain kids doesn't mean I like them in general." "Yep. That's believable," Ben scoffed. As if on cue, Jonah gurgled and kicked his chubby feet, and my heart actually ached. Not the kind that had torn me apart earlier. This was a gentler kind, reserved for puppies and babies. Shira kept her voice low and careful. "Do you think you really don't do kids, or is it you're afraid to fall for them and have them taken away again?" I opened my mouth to answer, but I couldn't. Yesterday, I would have had confidence in my assertion that I didn't like children. I'd been telling myself and everyone else that for a solid decade. But now? My chest had been cracked wide open, revealing feelings I hadn't dealt with-that I'd denied, even to myself. "I don't know." I blinked at her. "I really don't know." "You don't have to figure it out today," Shira said gently. "Just be kind to yourself. You went through something terrible. I don't blame you for being afraid of going through it again. Just...remember what you said to me a few months ago?" I squinted at her. "Are you going to throw my own words back at me?" "No." She nudged my shoulder. "I'm going to be a good friend and remind you how smart you are." Ben rubbed his hands together. "This, I need to hear." Shira laughed, but her kind eyes stayed on me. "You said, 'If you don't really live, what was the point of everything you did to survive?'" I choked out a huff. "Well, damn. You got me there." Ben scrubbed his chin. "That's going in my memoir." Then he arched a brow at me. "Don't worry, I'll dedicate it to you." I gave him a tired smile. "I'll buy the first copy. You'll probably spell my name wrong, but that's okay." "'To my best friend, Buzz.'" He grinned, and Shira let out a sweet chuckle. Roman reached his long arm around Shira and me to swat the back of his brother's head. "Don't mind him. He's taken too many head shots on the pitch." Ben shrugged him off. "So you hit me again? How's that helpful?" "Figured I might knock some sense into you," Roman replied. Benji-bear padded over to join the fray. He plopped in front of me, resting his heavy head on my knee. Between petting him and snuggling Jonah, everything else became background noise. The weight in my chest hadn't disappeared, not completely, but it was no longer crushing. I didn't have answers. I didn't know what I'd do about Tore, or his kids, or the past I'd spent a decade trying to outrun. For this moment, I was surrounded by people who'd dropped everything to be with me and stayed without asking. That was enough. 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