Chapter 7: Sweet Goodbyes One can only bear being hurt, until the pain is too much to endure. It's so painful. No. It's more than that. No one can explain the intensity of the pain I'm feeling right now. I left them with the hope that Mew will come after me. But to my grave disappointment, he did not. And that makes it even more painful. He just let me walk away from there, with no sign of fear to lose me. My tears continuously fall as I walked away from them. Even so, I was still hoping that someone would hold my elbow or would pull me for a tight hug. I was hoping that Mew would do it. But no. It did not happen. Mew did not try to stop me. He did not try to chase me. He just let me be. No words can desribe the heaviness I'm feeling right now. I continued crying and did not mind the scorching heat of the sun. Even the majestic scene and the small crashing of the waves did not comfort me. I did not notice that I have reached the other end of the island. There I sat under the shade of a palm tree. My chest feels so heavy. My heart is crushed into pieces. I cried and cried and cried. God, it hurts so much. The pain is just unbearable. What did I do in my past life to deserve this? Was I one of those terrible kings who made the lives of his people miserable? Why is this so painful? Why is everything just pain? And why is the pain too much? I couldn't help myself but blame the Creator. "Am I asking for too much? I am not, right?" I shouted. "All I want is to be loved by the person I endear the most. All I want is to be loved by Mew. Is it too much to ask?" my voice broke as I cried. I don't know why I only came back to my senses now. All these times, I fought a war, that in the first place, I had no chance in winning. I fought for a person who did not care for me. A person who wouldn't fight for me. A person who would never love me. A realization daunted me. I fought for the wrong person. I fought for the wrong battle. I fought a battle that wasn't mine to win. The past days, Mew outright cheated on me, never failing to make me feel bad. But with eyes closed, I accepted it all, as if I was blind. I swallowed everything, even my pride. In the end, it was still me who ended up hurting. It was still me who was left crying. Because in the end, this was all my choice. And this is all my fault. It's my fault because I agreed to marry him. It's my fault because I let myself hope that someday, he will learn to love me back. Which I know now that it is close to impossible. I lost track of the hours I sat there crying and hoping for the pain to just fade. I started to reminisce the days when Mew was still in college. Even when I was with Hal in the library, I would still look for Mew and watch him. How I would simply visit the book shelves where Mew is looking for books so that somehow, we will interact. How I would purposely walk by their classroom to have a glance of his handsome face. I was still the one who hurt myself. Because this is all my fault. Who forced himself to Mew? Wasn't it just me? Who decided to just be blind? Wasn't it just me? Mixed emotions flooded me. I am angry at myself for choosing to suffer and allowing all of these to happen. I'm angry at Mew amd Aron for making me feel this pain. But above anger, I feel pity for myself. I am so pitiful. Apart from the fact that Mew failed to love me, I also failed to love myself. But no matter how hard I try to deny it to myself, I know deep inside that only Mew can take away all these pain and heaviness. He is the only one capable of removing this sadness, because after all, he is the reason for all these. I don't know how long I've been crying under the palm tree. I just stopped when my eyes started to hurt and no tears were falling anymore. Even my tears gave up on me. Maybe I am not worthy of loving that Mew did not even want to try? I noticed that the surrounding was beginning to get dark. The light and darkness is trying to dominate each other. But we all know who would win. And that's darkness. The sun that dominated the world earlier is now slowly setting. So it is in this part of the island where you will see the sunset huh? Contrary to the sunrise that you will see at the resort. The blue sea earlier is now turning orange. It reflected the color of the sky, just like many seascape paintings. I leaned towards the palm tree. Sunset. A sign of an end. If a sunrise is a sign of a new beginning - a sign of new hope, a sunset on the other hand is a sign of a coming end. Something is about to end. Something is about to conclude. In that moment, I have come up with a decision. I cannot bear all the pain anymore, Mew. I have loved you so much that I forgot to love myself. I forgot to save some for myself. I gave all my love to you. That is why I was left with nothing but pieces of my broken heart. "There you are." It was Mew. "I've been looking for you. I've searched the entire island. Good thing you're just there." His voice was concerned. And his face looked sad and tired. I did not bother thinking what could be the reason behind his sadness because I am certain that it was not because of me. I gave him a weak smile even if deep inside me, there is so much pain. This is your last chance, Mew. Explain to me and tell me that you are not in a relationship with Aron. I'm not asking you to confess your love to me. Just tell me that right now, no one owns your heart. That way, I would know that I still have the chance, and that I can continue to fight for us. "I'm sorry for what happened earlier," he apologized before sitting beside me. I don't need your apology, Mew. I need assurance. But no. You have nothing to assure me of. A sad smile was all I can afford to give him. "It's okay. It's all my fault anyway." "Don't ever do that again, understood baby?" I nodded. He tried to touch my swelling lips. But I looked away, not wanting to give in to his touch. We both fell silent after that. No one dared to speak. We just watched the sunset silently. How I wish we were watching this after we enjoyed the day. Too bad it seems like he was the only one who enjoyed. Is this it, Mew? The end? The end of our story? Maybe. I held his hand. This might be my last chance to feel it. He stared at me in confusion, but he let me hold him anyway. I watched our intertwined hands and focused at the ring on our fingers. They looked perfect. I lifted my gaze and watched Mew watching the horizon. If you only love me, Mew. We would both be happy together. My chest began to feel heavy again. "We need to go back now," I announced. I was close to crying again so before it happened, I stood up and let go of his hands. It was eight in the evening when we had dinner at the restaurant. We were both still silent. When we got back to the resort, I never talked to him again. He did not seem to mind and he did not even dare talk to me as well. It's just so painful that he can stand not talking to me. I'm really trying hard in doing so and I am close to starting a conversation. Good thing I am able to control myself. I talked to Hughie earlier when we arrived back. I asked him a favor and he agreed to do it. There is an acoustic band playing at the small stage inside the restaurant. "Would anyone here want to sing with us?" asked the vocalist. I was never confident in public. But in that moment, I had the courage to do so. I wanted to sing about what I was currently feeling. I wanted to let him know what I feel, even just in the form of a song. This will be my first and last time to tell Mew what I really feel inside. I've been bottling up my feelings for too long. I guess it's time. I raised my hand before standing. "Well, we have a volunteer," the vocalist said. My steps were fast as I walked towards the stage. I glanced at Mew and noticed that he was shocked and confused about what I was about to do. He was supposed to stand up but he decided to remain seated since I was already at the stage. The vocalist handed me a microphone. No, Mew. Just stay there and listen to my song. So that, somehow, you will know what I feel. I whispered at the guitarist my chosen song before talking to the vocalist and asking her if I can sing alone. She agreed and went down the stage. *now playing "Someday" by Nina* I started to sing. It was still the first stanza of the song but my tears are already building up. I tried to stop myself from crying. I noticed how Mew's face slowly became sad. My whole attention was only focused on him. I was only staring at him because I wanted him to see the pain in my eyes. In that moment, I failed to stop myself from crying. My tears started pouring as my voice broke. Nevertheless, I resumed singing. I am so sorry, Mew. Only through a song will I be able to tell you how I feel. Only through this song will I be able to tell you how much I'm hurting. His face became sadder with every word I said, but I did not have time to think about it. I continued to cry as I sang that my voice broke many times. It was so painful. But I did not dare stop. I tried Mew. I tried so hard. I endured it all. If only you knew. Everything is clear to me now. That you don't love me. And you never will. I now know that it will never be me. So I guess I just have to give my love to someone else. The song ended but I never looked away from Mew. Our eyes were locked on each other the whole time. I hope you felt it, Mew. I hope you felt how much you hurt me. I guess this is goodbye, my love. Thank you for all the pain. I will bring it all with me for me to be stronger. You have taught me a lot of things. One of which is there are things that you should fight for, while there are those that are just not worthy of a fight. I also learned that there are things that you should have given up in the beginning, because you already know that you've lost. I left the stage. I saw how he tried to run after me. But my movements were fast. Using a boat that Hughie rented, I left the island. I left Mew. I left the person I love the most. I left my heart in Maldives and ran away to Spain.