Chapter 31 My headlights light up the dark, dead-end street as I creep my way toward Astrid's house. It takes every ounce of self-restraint not to slam on the gas and race the last few yards to her. But it's late, and people are probably sleeping, and I can't make my problem anyone else's ... anymore than I already have. Astrid's car is in the driveway alongside a small blue coupe that I haven't seen before. Who the hell is that? I park beside the curb and am practically out of the truck before I turn off the engine. I jog across the lawn, vaguely aware of the exhaustion settling in my bones, and rap my knuckles lightly against the door. There's too much energy coursing through me to stand still-too much anticipation of the upcoming conversation with Astrid, so I try to peek in the windows for any signs of life. I should've called her and warned her that I was close by, but figured I'd let her sleep as long as I can. "Come on, sweetheart," I mutter, knocking again-a little louder this time. "Please answer the door." Finally, a light turns on in the hallway and the door handle turns. I start to step forward, my heart in my throat and words touch my tongue, but I recoil when I realize it's not Astrid greeting me. It's taser girl. "What are you doing here?" she asks, dressed in pajama pants and a tank top. Her hair is wild and her eyes groggy like she's been asleep. "Is Astrid home?" I narrow my eyes, stopping myself. "I'm sorry. What's your name again?" She sighs. "I'm Gianna, and you aren't seeing Astrid tonight, so fuck off." She starts to close the door, but I catch the edge with my hand. "Excuse me?" I ask, flinching. "What do you mean that I'm not seeing Astrid tonight? She's expecting me. I told her that I was going to come by when I got back to town." "Cool story, bro." "Gianna, please," I say, unnerved by the look in her eyes. I've been through far too much today to deal with her. "I need to talk to Astrid." She glances over her shoulder, then turns to me. The icicles she throws my way would kill a lesser man. "I'll tell you what you need, Gray, and that's to get in your truck and go home. I just got Astrid to fall asleep, which was no small feat tonight since you left her a fucking mess. She's finally resting, and you aren't waking her up. Period." I left her a fucking mess? I lick my lips, as my mind spins. Yes, I talked fast on the phone and it probably could've been construed to be suspicious, but she should know I'd come back and explain ... right? "Is she mad that I left town?" "The fact that you're asking that question is indicative of the problem." She lifts a brow. "Is she mad that you left town? Theoretically, I'd say no. But when you don't tell her and flee in the middle of the night, and she discovers on her own that you were not flying to an emergency like you said, but were rather meeting a woman named Liza in Colorado ... yeah, Gray. It's a little suspicious." Her jaw flexes. "If you know anything about Astrid at all, you can deduce why this is a problem." The porch drops out from under me. I blink once, then twice, trying to wrap my head around what Gianna just said. There's no way that anyone knows where I went today. I told no one-not a single soul. So, how does Astrid know about Liza? I gulp. What else does she know? I swallow a surge of panic and try to control my breathing. Getting frantic won't do anyone, least of all me, any good. Oh, God. Bile creeps up my throat as the gravity of the situation lands on my head. She thinks I'm lying to her. She thinks there's another woman. She probably thinks I've been playing her like every other man in her life has played her in the past. I'm going to be sick. "In order to expedite this conversation and get you out of my face, I'll throw you a bone since you seem to be ... perplexed," Gianna says. "You left a letter on your kitchen counter." "Oh, fuck." I hiss a breath, my heart pounding erratically. "She doesn't know what she read. Please, Gianna, let me see her. Let me explain." "If I had my taser, I'd tase you for fun." I growl. "I'm not in the mood for your dark humor." "Well, I'm not in the mood for you. So kick rocks, dude." "I just need to explain ... Astrid!" She steps into the hallway behind her friend, looking shocked to see me. Her eyes are swollen, and her lips are puckered together. She's been crying. My beautiful spitfire is broken because of me. "Hey," I say, sidestepping an unhappy Gianna. "Hey, sweetheart. Let me explain." "What is going on, Gray?" Astrid asks, the sound muffled by the emotion in her throat. It's as if she's uncertain whether she wants to hear me out or not. Like maybe her mind is already made up. "Want me to kick his ass out?" Gianna crosses her arms over her chest. "Give me the signal and I'll dropkick him to his truck." I glare at her. "Stop it." "You don't get to come in here and⁠-" Astrid clears her throat. Gianna and I both turn to her despite the tension rippling off both of us. I halfway worry about turning my back on Gianna because if she stuck a knife in my back, I wouldn't be surprised. And, in some sick way, I might even respect her for it. At least one of us was standing up for Astrid tonight. "He's already here," Astrid says, resigned. "I'll talk to him." Gianna pushes the door closed, letting it slam on the hinges. She points at me as she walks to the guest room. "I'm not kidding. I'll slice your throat and swim in your blood if you make her cry again. Don't believe me? Try me. I know people." "Thank you, Gianna," Astrid says, her voice raspy. But there's a glimmer of a smile that gives me hope. "Keep this energy for people who are a real threat," I call after Gianna. She flips me off. "Tread lightly, asshole." Then she's gone, disappearing around the corner. I waste no time pulling Astrid into my arms, pressing kisses to the top of her head. God, I've missed her. It's only been one day, and yet being here feels like ... I'm home. She's rigid at first with her hands planted on my chest like she might push me away, but she gives in slowly and collapses against me. Her back shakes and I can hear faint, muffled cries. The sound slices through me like an icepick to the heart. I don't know how to make it better-just that I must. It's my responsibility, and not just because I caused this. Because she's my girl. "Hey," I say, pulling back and taking her face in my hands, wiping tears away with my thumbs. "Are you okay?" The look in her eye isn't the one I'm used to these days. It's sad but guarded ... like she doesn't trust me. "I have trust issues. I guess that's probably the crux of it. Every time I'm in a relationship, I have to defend myself." "Astrid, sweetheart, listen to me," I plead. "I handled this all wrong. You should've never been in this position, and that's my fault. But, I swear to you, it's not like you think." "You let me walk into a situation and have to question everything I believed in about you-just like everyone else has done to me," she says, her bottom lip quivering. "No note, no conversation-well, there was a note. Unfortunately, not to me." She fake laughs before it turns into a whimper. I want to kiss her pain away. I want to take over the conversation and make her hear me. But that's not what she needs. She needs to be heard. She needs to know that I value what she has to say, and that her feelings matter to me. I can't just wash them under the rug and make this about me ... like everyone else has done before me. "Your groceries were hot on your doorstep," she says, knocking away a strand of hair stuck to the tears on her cheek. "What am I supposed to think? Where were you today that was so important that you couldn't tell me? That you lied to me?" I take her by the hand and lead her into her bedroom. I shut the door softly, then sit next to her on the edge of the mattress. She keeps space between us, and I don't infringe on that. If she needs space, I'll give it to her. I'll give her anything she wants. She already has my heart in her hands. Everything else is a moot point. "I flew to Denver," I say carefully. "Why?" I take a deep breath, reminding myself to go slow. I can't just skip over the details because I don't think they matter. They matter to Astrid. "Look, I know you saw a letter in my apartment, and that letter must have been really confusing," I say. "I'm here to answer whatever questions you want to ask me. About anything. I'm an open book." For the first time in forever. A solitary tear streams down her cheek. "This has to do with Caroline, doesn't it? The woman whose picture you got so angry about when I picked it up, that I quit my job." "Yes. This has to do with Caroline." She stares at the wall, sniffling. "What happened to her? And why were you paying for Liza to be in a hospital?" She faces me, her eyes red. "That's why the bonus money was so important to you, wasn't it?" I nod. "This is so confusing, Gray. I've sat with this all day, trying to put pieces of a puzzle together that I don't have the box for. I don't have any foundation for this. I can't make sense of it because I don't know who these people are, and you left me here thinking the worst." She swallows. "That letter was horrifying. It was heartbreaking, not just for Liza, but for you. When I thought about you reading that and how that must've felt, I just wanted to hold you and help you, because that couldn't have been easy. And then to realize that you didn't even bother to tell me anything ..." She smiles sadly. "It felt like you had a connection with these other people and I had to take a back seat. Like you were just playing me." She's right. Of course, she's right. That had to be how she interpreted it because it's the logical solution. I run a hand over my head, and try to focus. I can beat myself up about this later. Now's not the time. "Astrid, I get why you thought that," I say, dropping my hands to my sides. "And the fact that you didn't just rage and, instead, worried about me and Liza while you dealt with your own pain says so much about you, and why you're the best person I've ever known." Her shoulders slack and it takes everything I can muster not to pull her into me. "Ask me whatever you want," I say. "You're in control." "I don't even have enough information to ask a pointed question." "Should I start from the beginning?" "Yeah," she says, the word barely a whisper. Here we go ... I take a deep breath. "I broke up with Caroline about two and a half years ago. We'd been dating for a while, a couple of years at most. I wouldn't say we were serious, really, because I never had any intentions on marrying her or being with her long term. But she was the closest thing to a serious girlfriend that I'd ever had." Astrid nods slowly, taking in the information I'm sharing with her. "At some point, Caroline became hooked on drugs," I say. "Before I realized what was happening, it got really ugly. I should've seen it earlier. There were signs and I missed them." She shifts on the bed, squaring her shoulders with mine. It's a good sign, I think, so I keep going. "We fought a lot about it, and I ended up breaking up with her. She'd gotten kicked out of her apartment and had been staying with me. But, when we broke up, she went to live with Liza, her sister. A part of me thought that if she changed environments and was with her family that she'd be better off. Maybe something about me or the traveling for the team or ... something were making her problem worse. Maybe she could get help somewhere else." I sigh, the words sounding like they're coming from someone else-and I wish that were true. "What happened to her, Gray?" "It was a few days before New Year's, and Caroline insisted on flying up to Denver from Texas where their family was spending the holidays. I told her no-created a firm boundary and held to it. I made sure she was safe, and then stopped answering her calls. But she and Liza flew up anyway, and rented a car, and tried to drive to my apartment in a snowstorm." My stomach twists, squeezing so hard that I grimace. "A semi-truck lost control and crashed into them, killing Caroline and almost Liza." Astrid gasps, covering her mouth. "I blamed myself," I say, wiping my nose. "Because I could've just answered the phone when she called that night. I should've. I was unfairly cold to Caroline, and I didn't have to be. If I hadn't, then maybe she'd still be with her family." She touches my arm as if she's in shock. "I am so sorry. That's ... horrible." "It wasn't fun. The last time I talked to her family before today was when her father threw me out of Caroline's funeral. He sucker punched me in the face and I just stood there cried like a baby." "Oh, Gray ..." She presses a quick kiss to my shoulder. "When did you get the letter?" "Brooks gave it to me before we left Sugar Creek. Joe saw Brooks at the gas station and gave it to him to bring to me." Her brows pull together. "Why did Joe have it?" "Because he ran the blind trust I set up to pay for Liza's rehab care. I wanted it to be anonymous. I didn't know if she'd accept my help and I had to do something." Astrid gets up, pacing around her room. I sit and wait, because there's nothing else that I can do. I'm at her mercy. My heart is in her hands. Finally, after a few minutes, she stops. "Why did you lie to me about where you were going?" she asks, the pain I haven't seen in a long time back in her eyes. What did I tell her this morning? An emergency? I panicked and was overwhelmed, plucking a reason out the air and figuring I'd explain later. "If you'd shared this with me, I would've supported you, Gray. I would've wanted to be there for you. Instead, I'm fighting this internal battle between kicking you out and kissing you and it's fucking with my head." "I'm sorry." "You lied to me. You told me I was safe with you, and then you made me question that." She takes a deep breath, and I can practically see the way she collects herself playing across her features. Even hurt, she's beautiful. Everything I've ever wanted. "You're right. I lied to you," I say. "I was impulsive and terrified, if I'm being honest. I didn't know what I was walking into, only that I had to do it. Because when Caroline died, Liza blamed me. They all did. That destroyed me in a way that I can't describe. It reminded me that they were the third and fourth people I've hurt while putting my career first." I gulp, squeezing my eyes closed as images of my parents flash to the forefront. "I had to find closure, Astrid." I open my eyes and find her gaze. "Being with you lately? It's fucked with my head. Maybe this isn't the right time or place to tell you this, but when we're together, I can see us together. Like really together." She swallows, otherwise not moving a muscle. "And I couldn't think about that-I couldn't get my hopes up about being with you-when I know that I still held too much space for Caroline. Hell, I've been paying for Liza's rehabilitation bills for two years. How can I be with you if I have such enormous secrets?" "You can't." She shrugs as if she can't decide whether she's resigned or angry. "Gray, I understand why you needed to see Liza. I respect that, and I'm glad you did it. It sounds like you both needed it to heal, and I'd never deprive someone from healing from their trauma." "Because you're an angel." "But I have to be honest, too. I'm hurt you didn't tell me about this. I told you everything," she says. "I was vulnerable. I shared things that humiliated me, and all the while, I explained to you that the things that hurt me the most were feeling invisible and being neglected emotionally. And then you withhold such important things-things that matter, and lie to me. That fucking hurts." "No, no, Astrid. Don't you understand? I never would've gone to see Liza if it weren't for you. I would've just lived with the guilt and been miserable for the rest of my life. But you-you made me face it because you deserve more." I take her hands and pull her in front of me. "Did I just botch this whole thing? Probably. Did I make an impulsive decision? Yes. I absolutely didn't handle it the right way. But you matter to me so much that I got on an airplane today to get this behind me so I can be with you. So I can take care of you. So I can be free to be the man who can show up for you every minute of your life." She laces our fingers together, watching them tangle. It reminds me of being on my couch with her-the moment I realized that I'm falling in love with this woman. I can't tell her that tonight because it'll feel like I'm just saying it. But I can show her. And I will. "I wish you would've told me. I would've wanted to be there for you," she says softly. "And I appreciate that more than you can imagine." I take a shaky breath as my bones begin to ache from exhaustion. "Astrid, sweetheart, I'm sorry that I hurt you today. You're the only thing I care about. I've been fucked up in the head for two years, unable to pull my head out of my ass-nearly lost my reputation and my career over it. And I didn't give a fuck." I fight the burn in my chest and keep going. I have to get this all out in the open. "You gave me the courage to face my fear and find peace, to put the past where it belongs. Because you? You're my future." Please, please believe me. Please don't push me away. "What are you saying?" she asks, her eyes widening, tears filling them again. "I'm saying that I'm probably going to mess up because I tend to do that. But I give you my word that I will never make choices without including you in them. I want us to be a team from here on out." The corners of her lips tilt to the ceiling, and it's like a light shining in my soul. "I'm giving you my heart because I know it's safe in your hands. And I want you to know that yours is safe in mine." I lean toward her. "Always." She launches herself at me, letting me envelop her in my arms.