Chapter 19 I'm exhausted after not sleeping last night but I still lie awake half the night, crying into my pillow. At three in the morning, I finally abandon the attempt and get out of bed. Drawing in a breath, I open my door and pad out to the kitchen to get a drink of water. I move silently, feeling awkward about leaving my room. Dimitri was clear, I'm no longer welcome here and it feels strange to move about his house. I go in the kitchen and get a glass of water, taking a few sips as I return to the safety of my room. But that's when I hear Anna cry. She's doing much better, but I'm worried her ear is hurting her in the night. I only hesitate for a second before I open her door. "It's all right, sweetheart," I croon as she sits up in her bed, holding out her arms to me. Lifting her up, I settle her on my hip. "Is your ear hurting?" "Yeah," she cries into my shoulder. "Let's get you some medicine." I carry her into the bathroom, uncapping the bottle and pouring out the dose. She drinks it down and then burrows down deeper into me. Sighing, I snuggle her back. Then, I carry her out into the living room, settling into the recliner. I think we'll both sleep better in the chair, her because she's up, me because the only thing better than snuggling her is sleeping against her dad. I sigh as I think of Dimitri. He has every right to be angry with me. He trusted me with his child, and all the reasons I came here, the ones I was so sure of, have become gray and muddled. This would all be so much easier if I could just speak to Cadence. Straighten everything out. I'm ready to listen and, thanks to Dimitri, I'd go into the conversation with an open mind. Really hear what she needs to heal. I get that I wasn't doing that before. My need to take care of her, was as much for me as it was for her. My own way of not facing my issues. But I'm ready to examine my past too. Though I have a feeling the answer to me getting over my shit just kicked me out of his house. I close my eyes, Anna's weight relaxing against me. I hold her tighter, kissing the top of her head. "You're wonderful, sweet Anna. Even if I never get to see you again, I just want you to know, that you've made me realize I want to have a baby of my own." I sigh into her hair. I really am going to have to get over my issues and get married for that, though. If I'm having a baby, that little boy or girl will have two parents. I could never risk a child being left alone in the world like I was. Before I drift off to sleep, my last thought is that I'm going to have to find a way to properly apologize to Dimitri. I doubt he'll let me stay, but he has helped me tremendously. I can't end it like this. I have to tell him how I feel and what he's taught me even if that breaks my heart. I don't know how long I'm asleep, but I wake to the feeling that I'm being watched. Anna is still asleep on my chest, but as I open my eyes, I find Dimitri standing over me, his arms crossed. He's in nothing but the boxer briefs I left him in last night. "Her ear hurt," I whisper. My eyes close again. I'm tired and comfortable. Dimitri's hand skims along my bare leg. "I didn't make a mistake, trusting you with my daughter, did I?" "I would never let anything hurt her." "How can I trust that?" I shake my head. "I've been having that same issue. How can I trust what I see in you with what I know in my heart?" "Fair," he replies squatting down next to me, his hand settling on my thigh. "But I am sorry," I whisper. "You were right about some things and I..." "Milaya," he rumbles out and a bubble rises in my chest. He's calling me sweetheart? "Yes?" I ask, hopefully. He pushes up, then slides his arms under me, pulling both me and Anna out of the chair. "What are you doing?" "We're all sleeping in my bed," he answers. "Dimitri," I start. "We can talk more later. And I'm still furious. But I can't sleep, and I've got to work tomorrow." I snuggle down in his arms. "You're right. This is a good idea." "Tomorrow, we're going to talk." "We can talk now." "No." He walks into his room. "I just want some sleep, and you need yours." "Good enough for me." I am in no position to argue. He sets me lightly on the bed, Anna still in my arms, then slides behind me, snuggling me into the curve of his body. Pressed between them, I instantly relax into the embrace, falling back to sleep. I don't wake again until Anna does. With sleepy eyes, I look at the clock, realizing it's after nine. "Morning," Anna chirps with a smile. "Your ear feeling better?" "Yep," she answers, scooting to the edge of the bed and sliding off. "Where are you going?" "To play." I start to push up to follow, when Dimitri's arm tightens around me. "Where are you going?" Smiling, I look back at him. "To watch your daughter." "She'll be all right for a minute." And then he nuzzles my neck. I'm not completely sure why he's so snuggly but I don't really want to question it either. I slide my hand over his arm, tilting my head to give him more access to my neck. I tangle my legs in his. His free hand splays out on my belly. "You feel so good." "So do you," I breathe out. "Ava," Anna calls from the other room. "Come play." I groan as Dimitri laughs in my neck. "You're being called." "I hear it." I nip at my lip. The idea of not being part of Anna's life stiffens my muscles. "Is she going to be really upset when I leave?" I feel my breath catch as Dimitri's fist balls against my stomach. "Ava," he rumbles into the skin of my neck. "I should have⁠-' "I've got Gertrude coming tonight." "Gertrude?" "The nanny." He sighs but doesn't stiffen away. "Right." "I can't cancel her again, she'll quit." I take a breath. I'm enjoying the snuggles and I don't really want to disrupt the harmony. But thoughts about what is coming today have started creeping in and I've never been good about ignoring those. He pushes up on an elbow, looking down at me. "I should have known that a woman like you would take my fit of temper to heart." "Who can blame you? And wasn't I supposed to?" My breath catches as he looks away. "Yes." It's his turn to sigh. "And no." My brows lift as I wait for him to explain. His hand slides over my hip. "I don't know how to explain this, but from the first moment I met you, I just knew you were mine." My mouth falls open. "You're serious." He kisses my neck again. "I know it's very early in our relationship and I told you to leave my house yesterday, but seeing you with my daughter..." I feel him grimace against my neck. "I know where you belong, milaya, and it's with us." I feel it too. Being in Dimitri's life is the best thing that's happened to me. "I want that too," I whisper faintly. "So much." His warm breath rushes over my sensitive skin. "But we're going to have to work on trust." "Understood," I answer faintly. "I'll get my stuff together, clear out the room for Gertrude. I can bring it all home later⁠-" "Your home is here." He's kissing a trail down my shoulder and over my arm. But I push up to look back at him. "There is only one guest room. And I'm sure you want Gertrude to stay there." "I do. Which is why you should move your things in here." My mouth falls open. He can't be serious. "Yesterday..." "I know what I said," he says as his eyes hold mine. "You're right. You couldn't have known what kind of man I am. But Anna..." "I would never have hurt her in any way." "I understand, milaya, and I trust you with her care." For a moment, emotion overwhelms me. His acceptance and understanding fill my heart in ways I can barely describe. I push up from the bed. "Thank you." "Where are you going?" He sits up too, his brow puckering into a frown. "I'm going to go play with Anna." He cocks his head to the side as he looks back at me. "Because, whatever I hoped to find out by being here, I have always been clear that Anna deserves the best." He pushes up too, pulling me in his arms and dropping his mouth to mine in a kiss that devours and claims. There is no fear, though, only red-hot desire as I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him back. I want everything he has to give and I'm not going to let my past keep me from living the best kind of future. Which is what Cadence has been trying to tell me for a while. I ease back. "I...I know I can't speak to Cadence, but can you deliver a message for me?" He lifts his head too. "Ava⁠-" "I need her to know that I finally understand what she was trying to tell me. And I'm ready to move forward in my life and that..." I take in a long breath, the next words difficult. "That I understand if she can't have me in hers anymore. I love her enough to let her go if that's what she needs." My throat closes on the last words, emotion making my chest tight. "Oh, milaya," he leans down then, his nose touching one cheek as his palm holds the other. "You love her with your whole heart." "I know I got some stuff wrong, but..." He trails kisses along my jaw. "You got loads right, and don't worry. We're going to learn to love together." "You need to learn to love?" "My father was not the best example. I'm not actually certain he can love anyone, but himself. It's difficult to be raised by someone like that. I have to quiet his voice in my head always to listen to my heart. I'm getting better." I nod, even as he kisses that spot behind my ear. "Ava," Anna calls from the doorway, her little brow slashed into a line. "Come." I smile, a little laugh making my chest vibrate. "Feeling better this morning, my little lamb?" "Yes. Come." She holds up her chubby little hand, waving me forward. I kiss Dimitri's neck before I move out of the circle of his arms. He watches me go. "Fifteen minutes and then you have a date with me in the shower." My eyes go wide as a flush of color washes down my chest. A shower with him sounds amazing.