< Feelings & Lies Feelings & Lies Violet. +15 Points > s**t, I said fine before I even realized what I was doing. Killer almost looks relieved, but I can also see a little bit of fear in his eyes. I want to laugh, there is no way this man could be scared, right? Slowly, I push him away so I can sit up straight. "I don't want to talk about it here." I tell him. I don't want people eavesdropping and I have a feeling Killer would feel the same. Killer grunts in some sort of response and pushes himself up from the bed. I make my way to get up when his hand appears in my sight. I look at it for a while, unsure what to do with the gesture before I take it, hating myself for feeling this insecure about the situation. This is not like me at all. I'm supposed to be detached, cold. I honestly want to run away but I know this son of a b***h would never let me. He would follow me, probably stalk me like the creep he is and would keep pushing me until I would finally relent. I was saving us both the energy, just getting this over with. When he found out my past, he would probably leave me in seconds anyway. I'm to damaged, used goods and he would want better than that. Yeah, I will just keep telling myself that, it's either that or submitting to him and admitting that I lost this weird game we have been playing from the beginning. A game I dind't even know we were playing until 24 hours ago. We walk out of my room after I put on my faded leather jacket. It was the first jacket I ever bought with my own money and since then it has been my" security blanket ". I remember Haru laughing her ass off when I told her, telling me she was happy that even I had a more adorable side. I was so close to slapping her, she will never know. "Get on my bike" Killer orders me after we sneaked outside and I raise my eyebrow, giving him a displeased look. Killer is not having it however and before I can utter any kind of protest, he picks me up like I weigh nothing and settles me down on his bike. He straddles the bike and turns on the engine. "Grab my waist." I put my hands on my waist, glaring at him. "I can't see you glaring at me darling, so there is no point." Killer chuckles, a foreign sound that sends some freaky flutters to my stomach. When I take too long to do as he said, he grabs my wrists and puts them on his hard stomach, pulling me flush against his back. The feel of his body against mine feels so nice and calming that I stay put, not daring to move away from his comforting body heat. We ride for what seems like forever. I've never riding b***h before and I never thought I would enjoy it as much as I do it feels freeing, calming I never liked not being in control but I had to admit this was an amazing experience 1 let go of Killers waist at some point and spreader my arms wide, closing my eyes and feel the wind gently gracing my body right through my clothing and against my cheeks. It feels like a warm blanket, protecting me. < Feelings & Lies +15 Points > We stop in the middle of nowhere, in an empty parking lot that is surrounded by smalls rocky hills and the never ending dessert. I get off the bike and wait for Killer to do the same. Without a word he grabs my hand and pulls me towards one of the hills. When we reach the top, i'm granted with a breathtaking view you, looking out over the dessert from a higher angle. Like always, the dessert goes on for miles, with rocky mountains in the distance. The sun is about to go under, and the red red clouds that are hanging in the sky is a perfect contrast with the ground. Killer takes a seat on a rock and pulls me closer to him, making me sit on a smaller rock in-between his legs. Involuntarily, I lean against his leg and put my head on his leg, just above his knee while watching the view for a while. "My dad was the enforcer of the club when it was first founded" Killer begins out of nowhere. My hearts. start beating a little faster, anticipating for what i'm about to hear. "He was already married to my mother when the club was founded. He was close friends with Chaos and Cig, the then VP. "My parents married at a young age, my mom was 19 and my dad was 24. People would always tell me they were the strongest couple they had ever met. Always having each others back and s**t. My mom accepted my dad for who he was completely, loved him unconditionally. My mom was my dad's world." Killer pauses, taking an audible inhaled breath before continuing. "The club was still in the middle of process to claim territories, expanding further into Nevada. A rival club wasn't too happy about that. Devil Warriors they called themselves but they were f*****g cowards. p***y's. They tried to break our club by praying on the weak. I was 4 years old when they came into our house after distracting my father, making him leave for hours. I can remember my mother screams but I didn't know what happened until after I took over as a VP, I had forced Chaos to tell me. He told me they had broken into our home with a group of ten men." I feel his body shaking agains my own. I don't look over my shoulder and just keep looking at the dessert, knowing somehow he wouldn't want me to see him like this. After a couple of harsh breaths, Killer continues with a cold voice, probably trying to detach himself from the memories as much as possible. "Ten f*****g man for just one woman who couldn't even defend herself. My mom was a small woman, same height as you. She made up for it with her character but that obviously wouldn't work on them. They tortured her for hours, r***d her and dismembered her body. In our own f*****g house, leaving her body parts scattered around the house like a scavenger-hunt for my dad to find. I never left my room and they somehow never looked for me." Thad stopped empathizing with others a long time ago, but i feel my heart break for him. I don't know what to do, hug him? Hold his hand? Do nothing? I've never learned how to show compassion, how to care for or sooth another human I'm at a complete loss and decide to do nothing other than lean into him a little bit more. < Feelings & Lies "My dad was a mess afterwards, as you can imagine. He went completely off the rails. Drinking, doing drugs, f*****g w****s and all while killing every son of a b***h that was in that little f*****g club. He got his revenge but my mom didn't come back afterwards. You can't bring back the dead." I just nod and wait for him to continue. I feel a hand running across my dreads and soon after Killer starts playing with one of them. I never liked people touching me, especially my hair. But I let him, for now. "My dad brought home one of his sluts after 2 years. I never understood why he did but he actually married her soon after. She was f*****g crazy, was obsessed with my father and did everything she could to completely possess him. Buy my dad would've never allowed that. His heart belonged to my mom and my step-mother would never get that. My dad continued to f**k everything that walked on two legs and had a p***y and my step-mom knew." The finger stops playing with my dread and for the first time Killer started talking, I turn around. His face is a cold mask, an artery is pulsing aggressively in his neck and his eyes have darkened, making them look almost black. He is staring at me but I know he is not seeing me. He is in the past, tormented with whatever happened. I get up and do something i'd never see myself doing. Gently I push his hand away and get up to sit on his lap. I slowly put my head on his shoulder and cup his strong jawline with my hand. Killer blinks a couple of times, looking disgusted first when he notices I now sat on his lap. Knowing I made a bad move, I start to move away as realization hits his face and he looks at my face. He doesn't give me the chance to move and wraps his big arms around my smaller body, smothering me against his body. I inhale the manly scent of Killer, together with the softer smell of leather and close my eyes. Waiting for him to continue telling his own living nightmare. "People always used to tell me I was like a copy of my dad. The only thing I got from my mother was the coloring of my hair. My step-mother also seemed to noticed and when she finally understood my dad would never love her, she turned her attention on me." My breath gets caught in my throat and I start to have a hard time breathing. I try to calm myself for Killer, so I push all the emotions i'm feeling down in the black hole where I put all my unwanted feelings. "She started right after my ninth birthday. She came into my room while I was sleeping and petted my hair. Touching my arms and kissing me on the forehead. It seemed innocent but I felt uncomfortable from the beginning I didn't understand how I knew but I just knew her intentions were anything but innocent, "It escalated quickly From touching my arms to touching my f*****g dk and telling me she loved me That she would f***g wait for me to grow up so we could run away together" The shaking has gotten more and more aggressive before Killer takes another moment to calm himself. He hugs me even closer en nestles les face in my shoulder, inhaling my scent like I had done with him just a few minutes ago. He stays like this when he starts talking again, finishing his story "My dad only found out when i was 165 She took my f*****g virginity and i felt like a little pathetic b***h < Feelings & Lies +15 Points Men don't get r***d. Not by f*****g woman. I was a f*****g p***y that wasn't even strong enough to push a woman off of me. I was too f*****g ashamed to tell my father about being a such disgrace. He would disown me, I was so convinced that he would. "He walked in when she was on top off me, riding me and I could tell he couldn't really progress what he was seeing. I told him so many times I f*****g hated her, that I wanted her gone. He never told me why she was there. My dad pulled her off of me and beat her to death right then and there. He took his time too, because it was in the early morning when he was done. "I thought I had seen my dad broken before after my mom was killed but when he looked at me he was actually crying. I had never seen him cry before. He always told me real man don't cry. He held me and told me he was sorry so many times I lost count. I never cried, I don't even think I can cry." "Where is your dad now?" I had to ask. I don't remember anyone introducing me to him. "He is in jail for killing her. He will be out soon." He shakes his head, running his hand through his beautiful thick hair. "We couldn't cover it up. Someone had called the police and they arrived at our home about half an hour later." "And no one in the club knows what truly happened?" I ask, moving my head from his shoulder to look at him. Killer just shakes his head. "I don't want them to know that their VP was a weak motherfucker who got r***d by a woman" I can see he is disgusted by himself, truly blaming himself for what happened. "Don't." I make my eyes turn hard and I force him to look at me by grabbing the hair on the back of his head and pulling it back. Killer eyes widen a bit before he glares at me. "You're not weak. It happens more than you know. Nothing will change if men keep thinking they are weak for getting r***d by a woman or man. A nine year old can't defend himself." "I could have when I was older" he growled. "Are you sure?" I ask him. People stop fighting after years of abuse. It's just the way it is sometimes. The terror and the pain are reminders of what could happen if you tried to fight and it makes a person unable or not wanting to continue fighting. After a while, you just let it happen because the consequences could be so much worse. Killer doesn't say anything and just keeps hugging me, staring in the distance. It has gotten darker, the night now in it's full glory and the moon standing proud in the star written sky. "Your turn babe" Killer whispers. I want nothing more than to run and hide but I know I can't. Not anymore. Not from Killer.