Chapter 39 Lees POV : I didnt go to school today . I slept in till eight or nine ish and stayed in my hoodie and sweatpants . Physically , my chest feels like an elephant sat on it . Mentally , I am drained . Emotionally , I am numb . Its now twelve and I havent even gotten out of bed . For the past three hours I have just been sitting here with my AirPods in listening to depressing and sad music . I texted Francesca asking if she could meet because I feel like if I dont meet with her , I wont last much longer . Everything just seems unimportant . All I can think about is what the hell is the point ? Why am I still here ? Why am I not ok ? Would it better if I wasnt here ? Would I feel better ? The answer to all of those questions is I. That is how I spend my day . Staring at the wall , ignoring Kasey and Blakes messages , and wondering what I am doing . At about seven pm there was a knock on the front door . I heard Kasey yelling at me to answer , but I didnt . I just sat there . Eventually , the knocking stopped and I was left with the silence of my music . About an hour later there was a harder knock . Lee ! Open up ! I know your in there ! Blake says while banging on the door . I still dont do anything . Lee ! He yells again . After Faking My Death , My Alpha Husband Went Mad 32.4 % Chapter 39 A few moments pass . Softly he says , Lee … Please just open the door and let us know your ok . He sounds so defeated . I cant bring myself to get up though , because I know if I do … they will see how not ok I am . And I dont want anyone to know . They are better off not knowing . I am better off alone . The knocking stops . A text comes through from Kasey in the group chat saying that they are always here for me and are camping out in Blakes truck . Still , I am numb . I should care that my best friends are sleeping in a truck because I didnt open the door , but Im not and I hate myself for it . I look over to my night stand and my eyes widen slightly . My antidepressants are sitting on my table behind my lamp . The room is complete dark , but I can see since my eyes have adjusted . Thats why I feel like this , I havent taken my meds . That also explains why I havent been able to fall asleep and it is three am . I should probably take them . Its all easier when I do . Easier to pretend and put on a smile . Over the years , I got so good at it that nobody even knows that its fake . My mom , Luca , everyone . They are all fooled . A tear slides down my cheek and I stare at the bottles . Finally , I reach over and take the three bottles of pills and put them in my lap while I grab my water bottle . Slowly, I open the first bottle which is my anxiety meds and two fall out . I pop them in my mouth and take a drink of water . I do them same with my antidepressants . When I open my sleeping pills and poor some out , four come out . My dosage is two . I sit there for a few minutes staring at the pills . If I took six I wouldnt wake up . I would go peacefully . No struggling , no pain . Just peace . My phone lights up and I see that Luca texted asking if Im ok . Chapter 39 Thats when I think of how he would feel if I went away . He would be without family . I want to give up , but I cant be that selfish . He would be torn apart , because even though we may not show it , we are the only ones who know what its like . We only have each other , so I cant give up yet . I put two pills back in the bottle and take the two that I left out with some water . After I am done , I put the bottles back and text Luca a thumbs up . Then , I plug my phone in and lay down . Hopefully , tomorrow is easier . Lees POV : I slowly open my eyes and adjust them to the light that is coming in through the side doors . I sit up and look at the time . It is nine oclock now , and I am late to school . I close my eyes and take a deep breathe . When I open them I get up and do my whole morning routine . After Im done , I get dressed in black ripped jeans and a crew neck light pink sweatshirt . Then , I put on my checkerboard vans and do some makeup . The whole house is quiet . Normally , I would put music on to make me feel less alone , but today Im not feeling it . I am still in a sort of depressive state I guess . Today is where I try and pick up the broken pieces of myself . It is weird to think that on Wednesday I was on top of the world , Thursday I basically fell thats off a cliff , and today I am trying to work my way back up to the top . Francesa says how depression works . One day you can be at your high , and the next you can be at your lowest . It is comforting to know that this is normal , but I still wish I was normal , normal , not depression normal . 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